Guys.  Guys, guys, guys.

I feel really good.  I’ve been really watching what I eat and have bought lunch like, three times this year so far.  I used to spend $15+ almost every day.  Now I have a little money, I just made a pretty large deposit into my savings account and actually have an emergency fund of 3 months of bills for the first time in my life.  I weight less than I have in YEARS and fit pretty much all of the clothes I own, which is like, unheard of.

I love my job, I’ve been really busy and more able to focus since I’ve been sober.

I played bingo last night with my sister and some friends in a dive bar.  Didn’t drink, and laughed harder and truer than I usually do.  It was a good time.

I am also waiting for everything to crash down around my ears.  I am waiting for a bad day to ruin everything.  I am waiting to be rejected by a dude that just asked me out and being anxious and depressed and drinking about it. I am waiting to see my family and getting edgy and stressed, which inevitably leads to out-drinking my Wisconsin hometown (quite a feat).  I am waiting for a boring Sunday afternoon where I get a case of the fuck-its and decide to bust into a bottle of red.  I am waiting to feel so alone that I could crawl out of my skin, where the only thing that makes sense is to belly up to a bar, blast my feelings out of my head and talk shit as a substitute for human connections.

I am waiting to really understand that my actions are the one thing I can control, that I am not stuck, and that if I keep faith in my ability to strive towards happiness, love, humor, and a connection with humankind eventually I will understand what I want my life to be.  Maybe I’ll even figure out how to get there.

Sober weekend?
Sober weekend.

Completely.  Whoa.  Friday was fine.  Saturday, I had all of these plans to get things done and ended up putzing around, doing a few things, and taking a two hour nap.  BUT when my sister got home from work we went and ate at a fantastic Mexican place I’ve been wanting to take her to (she had sangria, I had horchata and it was the shit.)  Then we went to a fancy donut shop, ate donuts, drank decaf, and played hangman.  It was super fun.

Yesterday was a bit different, it kind of started in the morning, when checking in on Facebook while lying in bed I realized that it was my (dead) best friend’s birthday.  Okay.  Showered, kind of laughed about the fact that about a half hour after I got up I received a text message notification and was like, ooh, who’s texting?  But it was Fbook telling me that it was my (dead) best friend’s birthday.  Yay!  Thanks Facebook!  I went to yoga and my regular teacher was out and this militant woman was subbing in.  Now, Sunday morning yoga is usually a stretchy chill time where you listen to your body, but this lady wanted us to move all the time.  There was no rest.  Not my type of yoga.  Very little warming up, lots and lots of repetition, and moves introduced with monotone demands.  Oof.  At first I was like, this is a test of my patience, I will go through it but eventually peaced out, did some floor stuff while everyone else was doing their 500th sun salute and left 20 minutes early.  It shouldn’t matter, but three other people did before me, and I ran into one of them outside and we just wrinkled our noses and shook our heads.  It was a bummer.

And I was supposed to see a movie that evening but my flaky platonic dude friend blew me off for a booze cruise to WI the night before. He said he was going to make it back in time, I told him not to hurry on my account, I could find plenty to do on a Sunday (which I can, but I didn’t feel like it.)  He decided to stay in WI.  About two hours later, I lashed out via text, told him it was shitty and when was he going to tell me that he wasn’t going to come if I hadn’t texted him about it  (he was supposed to go to yoga too), and it was my (dead) best friend’s birthday and I felt shitty about going to the movies alone, etc.  He poked back that I had said it was okay, and he didn’t know it was Sarah’s birthday, but that was not a reason for me to lash out.  He was right.  But I wanted to have righteous anger.

Earlier in the afternoon, I cried.  Twice.  Just little cries, but they just popped up.  It was weird to…feel things?  And just let them come.  But I kind of liked it.  It’s only been a week but I’m starting to feel more interesting and interested.  And…grounded I guess?  I went to the movie alone, it was called Moonlight.  It was really good, and broke my heart a little.  There were more tears.  I might have to write about it later.

Today is Monday, I’m feeling better.  I have a short week because I was supposed to do this 10k ice thing this weekend but my leg is still a bit weird from my drunk fall so I may have to bow out.  I’ll work hard and stay sober.  I feel pretty good.

Eh, day 6. I’m okay but underneath a little bit apprehensive about the weekend. It’s such an ingrained habit to go out (or stay home) and drink/smoke pot that it makes the next two days without that seem to stretch on forever.

A dude I thought was cute and would text while drunk texted me last night at midnight. Eh. Not like, booty call, just random probably bored at the bar stuff. I’m done reaching out to people just for the sake of boredom, I want something real, interesting, and challenging – not blurry and apprehensive. And that scares the shit out of me because I’ve never had that before and on the road I am (was?) on I probably never will. Bah.

I WILL NOT DRINK TODAY GOD DAMMIT.

But I’ll probably smoke a lot of cigarettes, not going to lie.

“You can act yourself into right thinking, you can’t think yourself into right acting.”

I’m realizing that I have been thinking myself into a mental portrait of who I want to be and who I want others to think I am and without that, I don’t really know WHO I am.  I’m starting to realize that a part of my projected personality has always been a bit of a mess … klutzy, self-deprecating, silly girl that gets drunk and has fun and laughs loudly and hard.  Who am I without the drinking?

I mean, I know I can still have fun and laugh loudly and hard.  I think?  Probably.

So, day 5.  Still on track.

It’s Been A While…

Like, a pretty long time.  I feel okay about coming back, and it’s not even because any kind of rock bottom or something specific that happened.  More like, I am so tired of having my entire social life revolve around killing brain cells.  I need to find something else.  If that means hermiting it up and sending words into the void to be picked up by strangers on the internet, then so be it.

Well, maybe a few things happened.  I had a rather bad fall into a friend’s basement door (it’s basically a dark hole in the floor of her dark porch).  My legs went out from under me and I jacked up my thigh, I think there may be some muscle damage; there’s a sizable dent in my leg along with burning and swelling after more than a week.  Would this have happened had I not been drinking?  Probably, I’m a total klutz but I still don’t feel great about dropping a couple hundred bucks on such a stupid thing.

I need to figure out something to do with myself.  Work is great, I’ve been losing some weight, but I just can’t shake this twitchy feeling that there has to be more.  I don’t know what it is, but maybe I can find it if I’m sober?  Who knows.

Anyway, hi!  I wonder if anyone familiar is still around…

Pride!

Yesterday is the first time in a long time that I did not drink when I could have had drinks and everyone else was drinking.  So, that’s good.  I also had a great time, much better than I would have had if I had been drinking (and looking for my next drink and having to pee in porta-potties much more than I would while sober).  I met up with a group of friends at the Pride parade in Minneapolis which was great, it’s the first time I had gone.  Good vibes, good feelings.

On the bus on the way there, I sat next to a little old lady with a t-shirt stating “Marriage Rights, Not Just for Straight People” and flowers in her hair, high fiving people walking down the bus aisle in their various Pride costumes/tshirts/makeup, etc.  It was lovely.  There are so many shitty things happening out there right now (Orlando, racism, fights over gun rights, Islamophobia, Trump) and I’ve unfollowed a lot of people on Facebook because of it whether or not I agree with them, just because I’m so tired of vitriol being spewed all over the internet.  It was really inspiring to hang with thousands of people that are cool about who they are and supportive about who other people are.  Pride was also a reminder that when people mobilize for a righteous cause things CAN change.  It hasn’t been that long since men and women have been arrested for their sexuality, and society forced them to live in the closet.  There is still progress to be made but anti-discriminatory laws and equal marriage rights are huge steps.

Change is possible.

My Soul

It hurts.

I have been drinking again, a lot.  I have a group of friends that drink a lot, and lately I’ve been feeling like I could crawl out of my skin.  If I could though, I would only wish for another layer of skin to crawl out of until there was nothing left of me.

I wish I had friends that don’t drink, but honestly, I don’t know how to be a friend unless there is drinking.  Because I get uncomfortable and bored.  It’s all we do.  I am hungover at work today.  I called in sick on Wednesday after staying out much too late on Tuesday.  Last night I stopped “for one,” ended up going next door and having three more, then came home and had two.  And texted a dude in my friend group to see if he wanted to hang out some time at the risk of ruining fun friend times.  But you know what, I think a part of my drunk brain WANTS to ruin fun friend times because although they are fun in the moment, I can’t keep drinking this way.  I feel really bad.  I wish I hadn’t texted him.  But glad that it gives me an excuse to stay home.

I’m too old to live like this, like a 20-something going to the bar on weeknights, etc.  What the hell.  It’s always been like this.  And here I am back on this blog, it’s been months since I’ve written.  Just long enough for me to sober up, feel great, start drinking again, then pound it into the ground until I feel like garbage and can’t go anywhere but up.  Again.

And again.

I am in the process of moving.  I get the keys today, we move Thurs/Fri.  I am also on a big pink cloud which scares me.  I’m stressed and slightly manic.  Only Day 6, but a record for the year so far.  Last night I packed and actually sat with my desire to have a cigarette.  Like, I really wanted one, and I worked my ass off and I deserved one.  Even gave myself permission to have one.  Thought about it.  Thought about sneaking one of my sister’s, going outside, sitting on my stoop and smoking.  Thought about smelling my hands afterwards, brushing my teeth afterwards.  Thought about how in the past I have just been sober or quit smoking, or got better so someone who doubted me could see it and how sometimes I’d just smoke or drink or fuck around out of sight of those people.

I thought about how I would feel about myself if I smoked and how great about myself for quitting.  I thought about how last week I would have bought at least two bottles of wine to accompany me with the packing.  But I didn’t last night.

And I won’t today.

Powerful Powerlessness

“Taking a drink is the opposite of powerlessness.  It is taking firm, decisive action to terminate a state of sobriety that feels less satisfying and less convincing than drinking has felt in the past or we imagine will feel in the present.  It may feel like one is powerless because it’s frustrating to be unable to authentically want the thing you really want to want.  But don’t.” – Augusten Burroughs, This is How…

“You may be powerless over your addiction, but you are responsible for your recovery.” – Patrick J. Carnes, A Gentle Path through the Twelve Steps…

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For You.

Is it normal if the only thing driving you to be better is so someone else will see you and realize that you are better/good/not a hot mess?  Even a person that is largely inconsequential, but for some reason you feel like if they approved, you would finally be okay?

You would think that your own happiness would be enough of a reason to improve yourself.  I think it says a lot about what is really important to me that I can’t wrap my head around getting better for my own sake but for the validation of others.

I want to be okay without the validation of others.  I want others to see this and admire me for it.  It’s twisted.  Sometimes I have to stop myself and remind myself that the only thing that really matters is what I am doing in the moment and it is largely for myself.  No one is watching, no one else’s opinion matters.

I’m trying to understand this, and stop this.  It’s hard to explain.  I’ve been stressed lately because of a move and have been taking it out on a bar stool.  But this is day four and we are moving this week.  I am bad at dealing with stress and mostly oscillate between manic action and a determined move towards inaction and oblivion.

I’m sober today though so there’s that.