Guys. Guys, guys, guys.
I feel really good. I’ve been really watching what I eat and have bought lunch like, three times this year so far. I used to spend $15+ almost every day. Now I have a little money, I just made a pretty large deposit into my savings account and actually have an emergency fund of 3 months of bills for the first time in my life. I weight less than I have in YEARS and fit pretty much all of the clothes I own, which is like, unheard of.
I love my job, I’ve been really busy and more able to focus since I’ve been sober.
I played bingo last night with my sister and some friends in a dive bar. Didn’t drink, and laughed harder and truer than I usually do. It was a good time.
I am also waiting for everything to crash down around my ears. I am waiting for a bad day to ruin everything. I am waiting to be rejected by a dude that just asked me out and being anxious and depressed and drinking about it. I am waiting to see my family and getting edgy and stressed, which inevitably leads to out-drinking my Wisconsin hometown (quite a feat). I am waiting for a boring Sunday afternoon where I get a case of the fuck-its and decide to bust into a bottle of red. I am waiting to feel so alone that I could crawl out of my skin, where the only thing that makes sense is to belly up to a bar, blast my feelings out of my head and talk shit as a substitute for human connections.
I am waiting to really understand that my actions are the one thing I can control, that I am not stuck, and that if I keep faith in my ability to strive towards happiness, love, humor, and a connection with humankind eventually I will understand what I want my life to be. Maybe I’ll even figure out how to get there.